Athosian in a strange land...

A friend is your needs answered--

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 13:56:37 GMT

She is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And she is your board and your fireside.
For you come to her with your hunger, and you seek her for peace.

Breath in.....out....a soft sigh, a long stretching of muscles much-accustomed to the slight burn and pull of work. She leans forward, one leg extended, her forehead bowing in gentle praise to the glowing orb of sunrise painting the window gold. As her forehead touches the floor, another soft sigh, this one of relaxation, of completion, the worshipful motion at it's pinnacle. Teyla relaxes this way for long moments, her body stretched to it's limit, her face a mask of complete serenity--here there is peace--in the stretch and sway, in the tight ache of muscles relearning movements forgotten from only a day earlier. She smiles and begins the motion again on the other leg, this one only slightly tight from long-ago injury. She shows it no mercy, pushes it has hard as the other, her sigh longer, more controlled as she leans into the stretch. With unparalelled grace, she rolls to her feet and begins the easy morning kata, her movements fluid and slow--soon enough Dr Macgregor will join her--and they will begin their day together, bodies swaying together in the morning sun.

Leaving home, going home......there is no home any longer.

Thu, 25 May 2006 01:04:54 GMT

I have been allowed three days leave from Atlantis for personal reasons, though I am to accompany Dr. Brown as she does extensive botanical analysis in an unexplored part of the mainland. I have been found.....innocent of any wrongdoing in the recent attacks on Atlantis, but....I know I am no longer trusted. I understand the fear, the guarded looks I am sent. It is all I can do to bear the guilt myself. I have had no contact with Colonel Sheppard, Jinto, Ronon, any of my team. Secreted away, I only recieve visits from Dr. Beckett's nurses on occasion, and frequent calls from Dr. Heightmeyer.

I do not understand how this could have happened, I felt so in control, so able...so capable of fighting the contact.
I never knew I was being used, never understood the nightmares for anything beyond restless sleep.

I was a fool, and I will not be again. I would die before allowing myself to be used as a spying device again. I hope another opportunity presents itself, for some sort of change, for some way to close my mind to this, or to strengthen it beyond the Wraith's capacity to invade. If not, there are ways to assure myself I am no longer a threat. I merely hope I have the strength to carry them out.

The transport is leaving soon--I must go.

--------------------------------------

Teyla is dressed in the clothes she was wearing the first day the Atlanteans came into her life. The worn fabric calms her, helps her regain a modicum of the quiet strength that used to reside where now there is nothing but turmoil and unease. The jumper is already being prepared, and she greets the pilot soberly, and seats herself, awaiting Dr. Brown.

Trapped

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 16:53:12 GMT

......darkness.....pain.......an unfamiliar ship in an unfamiliar place.
...familiar eyes and skin and long, white hair. The surge of nausea, of agony that Dr. Beckett had been so desperate to save her from.
She is one of many, a cog in an ever-turning wheel. Desperate, hungry, her body aching and straining for a sustenance she doesn't understand how to obtain. There are others, subordinate, superior, stretching in a long line of heirarchy and command to either side in a line infinitely long. At the top, shining and white and beyond all things, is her Queen.

Yes.

Queen.

For the Queen.

Teyla sees herself walking along Atlantis's familiar hallways, the body enclosing her mind uncomfortable, alien, disturbingly familiar.

She wakes with a start and a cut-off scream, her body bathed in sweat. The blankes tangle around her legs as she stumbles to the mirror on the side wall, peers deep into her own reflection and recoils in horror. She is nothing, she is a shell, a vessel, herself on the outside, but inside....inside...she is.....hollow. There is a wetness on her chest, and she looks down, the front of her loose sleeping gown soaked with blood. Teyla screams again, staggers back, one hand to her bloody, ruined chest...

...and is awake again, panting up at the familiar ceiling, the ebb and flow of Atlantis settling comfortably around her.

....Ancestors protect us....

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 17:37:16 GMT

Meditation had failed to help, every moment spent in quiet solitude, eyes closed, was merely a moment spent thinking of Jinto, of how she'd lost him--her compatriot's only son. Halling contacted her at the beginning and end of every day, a Father's quietly frantic pleas for her to do something...anything....to bring him home. The pain in her friend's voice only added to her own.

When the call comes in, she sends a brief and heartfelt prayer to the Ancestors, her eyes filling with tears of relief. After sending a wave to the Mainland, to Halling, she made her way quickly to the gateroom. Medteams and injured were milling about, and she stood quietly a moment, looking for the young man she'd come to think of as a son.

My burden and my curse, a feeling heart.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 00:11:23 GMT

The trials were held today, Doctors Kavanagh and Zelenka, MacGregor and Parrish, Weir and Brown. Colonel Sheppard, Major Lorne and myself. A fine group, people of honor and courage on the worst of days. It was all I could do not to feel for them all--to break my vow of impartiality and beg them all to just lay their burdens aside-to become again the amicable group of people I once knew.

I do not understand this warring amongst friends. It is true I am a human in the strictest sense, wraith DNA notwithstanding. I am blood of their blood, flesh of their flesh, but spirit of their spirit? No....no, I think not the longer I am with them. Athosians do war among ourselves, but in all the days I have led my people, never have I seen strife such as this. We turn on eachother when we feel we must--and pick up blade and spear and staff the next day to fight the Wraith, secure in the knowledge that we will protect one another, no matter the cost.

I suppose it is a cultural difference, exclusively--a product of the way our people suffered differently. It has constantly been the Athosians against the Wraith--but in reading Human history, I have come to understand that is not their way. With no real dangers but themselves, Earth humand turn on one another. There is no danger from their environment, no animals or enemies beyond their own people. It pains me to see them fight eachother, but I am helpless to stop it. I am, after all, an alien among them.

Beyond this recent upset, all seems well here. No new wraith threat, which is always a relief.

Ancestors bless you, and may this all be but a vague memory soon.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:43:47 GMT

I have spent many days on the Mainland, resting in the arms of my people. All seems well here, though Halling says the crops are not coming in as they should on some parts of the continent. I must remember to consult Doctors Parrish and Brown about a possible fertilizing compound that will be compatibile.

It was a pleasant time, among my friends and family--young Jinto and Sayshin have begun courting--he regaled me with tales of her beauty the entire time. I find the thought of their young love in such troubled times very pleasing...and disturbing. I cannot imagine the pain the wraith could cause my people, were they to find us again. While I was home, I visited memorials to those we have lost over the past few months. Our memoriam here is almost as large as the one on Athos--a fact that is not lost on the Elders. My people are content, for now--and I hope this can be a new beginning for us--but my hope is more than a little fragile in these dark times.

I had hoped my time away from the city would ease the burden I have carried since the recent events with the alient plantlife. If anything else, I am more under its sway. Dark dreams of despicable acts, in which I call out in languages I cannot know. I was wakened once by a childhood friend, who repeated the words back to me--and they seemed familiar--perhaps something I have heard spoken in Atlantis. The bouts of cold have ceased, at least--and my skin is no longer painful to touch when I waken from a long night's restless tossing. Once I return to atlantis perhaps I should consult the Doctor on possible sleep aids.

I leave today, and am actually quite anxious to return to my duties. Ancestors bless all on Atlantis, in the hopes that I will return to no new emergency.

The price of my failure.....

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 15:39:39 GMT

It seems I was injured in the last few day's activities--though I am not sure I remember it. I was found by Major Lorne in my quarters, and carried to the infirmary. Apparently the projectiles from the firearms the Earth Military personnel carry are prone to bouncing about in confined spaces, hitting more than one target. Another person was injured, Pixie--she seems to be recovering as well. I was released from the Infirmary this morning with a promise to rest in my quarters for the day.
Unfortunately all I can think about is how I betrayed Doctor Zelenka's trust-even taken over by the alien lifeform, he knew what needed to be done, and was preparing to do it. Had I not been injured, I may have tried to stop him--and the Colonel would not be recovering as he is.

I am more than a little disturbed by the rumours that the lifeform only invaded the bodies and minds of those with Wraith DNA. Colonel Sheppard because of his almost-conversion after his run-in with Elia--the Doctor because of personal contact with the Major. And my burden....the fact that I may very well be closer-related to the Wraith than I would like to admit. I have been having distressing dreams ever since I began recovering. I am hoping a few meditation sessions will ease them. Perhaps a sparring session with Ronon...I can always work myself into exhaustion with him as a sparring partner. All else failing, I may have to make a trip to Dr. Heighmeyer. Regardless, I should also go speak to Dr. Zelenka--to lose his friendship would be most distressing.

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 22:26:19 GMT

It is painful to watch someone you know suffer. I have found today that it is even more painful yet to watch someone witness the pain of those they love...especially when those involved do not seem to acknowledge the love they share. I do not understand the reluctance of those from Earth to show their feelings to one another. I do realize the Earth military, at least the "American" Military frown upon what they call "fraternization"...especially among those of the same gender.

I am completely baffled by this. These military personnel put men and women in the most harrowing of circumstances. The circumstances that bring souls closer together--defying death, watching horrors and running for your lives...yet, they expect the people in their service to maintain a cold distance from one another that frankly, I find impossible.

Not only is building strong friendship and lover-relationships not frowned upon among the Athosians, it is encouraged. When the warrior to your left and right are people you care deeply for, in every sense of the word, then there is no better defense. I do admit it makes some very hard decisions all the harder, but that is to be expected.

Lt. Colonel Sheppard's team is different in this way, but I am beginning to understand that we are an anomaly among the Earth people--and perhaps I should no longer speak of it publically. This bears much thought.

Training Exercises

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 16:15:39 GMT

Colonel Sheppard and I partook in our usual exercises today--it seems he is improving, if a bit more slowly now that he has so many responsibilities these days. His form has improved drastically from the days of our first lessons--though his eagerness to end my "beating of his ass"..as he phrases it, often leads to a rushed attack. Which only leads to more bruises on his backside, of course. I find that he often comes to me tired these days--and says it's from his attendance to Dr. Beckett, Dr. Zelenka, and Dr. Mckay's needs. Perhaps I should speak to him about considering his own need for rest on occasion.

Dr. Kusanagi has been attending lessons as well--and her improvement has, if anything, been more marked than Colonel Sheppards. I find her a most pleasant companion, and hope to invite her along to the Mainland for the spring festivities. I think the change of scenery and relaxation could do us all good--perhaps I will invite the rest of my acquaintances along.

For a time now, I have been waiting for Ronon to come to me and share the burden I have noticed in him of late. I am worried that he seems so seperate from us all--I had felt we were becoming friends, but the longer we hide from the Wraith, the more aloof he becomes. Perhaps I should suggest we train together...I find him a most satisfying sparring partner.

Now, I really must be going--the calls from the botany labs for assistance are becoming a bit unsettling--I believe the person-eating plant problem has yet to be resolved.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 16:16:10 GMT

I find the experience of writing in a journal quite....exhilarating. Never before have I recorded my thoughts in anything but a personal book. I do hope this experience continues to be rewarding. Perhaps even reading the thoughts of my teammates will make our bond closer. Only time will tell.